Church of No, Thanks Celebrating Personal Liberty since 2008

As much as we like to convince ourselves to the contrary, few, if any, of our relationships are completely equitable at all times. The better relationships average out to be fairly equitable, although they will likely have their periods of give and take.

What is the balance? There's being needed, then there's being exploited. There's respect for independence, then there's neglect.

Then, of course, there's the social pressure to make and keep relationships.

Even though 40-50% of currently active marriages will end in divorce, there's pressure to stay in a marriage, no matter how abusive it is. Few people will actually come out and say, "You need to stay in the marriage forever, no matter how abusive it is," but there is an obvious societal stigma against divorcees. Marriages involve compromise. At what point does it change from "making a compromise" to "being compromised"? Is there a point at which one *should* leave a marriage?

We all need shelter and food, so we all need money. Money, for most of us, comes from employment. Once an employment relationship commences (except, perhaps, at the CXO level), the employer is in the position of advantage. Firstly, as long as anyone with your skillset is unemployed, your are easily replaceable. Secondly, the employer always pays less than the work is worth. For the employer's business to be profitable, it must pay its suppliers less than it charges its customers. As an employee, you trade some of your earning potential for the stability of working for someone else. You also trade some of your independence of thought and judgment for freedom from risk that that judgment may be flawed. At some point, an employer may overstep bounds, take advantage of or neglect employees. Is there a point at which one *should* leave a job?

The question is this: Where is the line?

When you think about work, or your marriage, or any other relationship, what feelings are you left with?

On the spectrum ranging from toxic stress to total relaxation, where does the relationship leave you? How about on the happiness-depression scale? Is the relationship satisfying or frustrating or somewhere in-between?

Ultimately, each individual has to set his or her own thresholds of tolerance and intolerance for the various emotional byproducts of a relationship.

If a relationship is bad for you in some way, you have 4 options: Like it, lump it, change it or leave it.

Like it.
Liking something you perceive to be bad for you is challenging, and usually involves either self-deception or altering one's own values to accommodate and unpleasant reality. Being successful here is tough at best.

Lump it.
This is acceptance, and is difficult to sustain over time. Lumping it is usually a stopgap measure, until something else can be worked out.

Change it.
This is included primarily in the interest of completeness. I usually leave out "Change it" as an option, because, in order to change the nature of a relationship, it must first be revealed to be flawed. This usually proves to be unpleasant news for the other party to the relationship, especially if the relationship carries a heavy emotional investment. Such a revelation may make manifest an otherwise latent adversarial, perhaps combative aspect to the relationship. This option requires both parties to be objective, introspective, observant and mature. If they were, the relationship likely would not have descended to this point, therefore "Change it" is a nice idea, but it is difficult, if not impossible to make it work in reality.

Leave it.
While this may seem to be "the coward's way out", it is not without risks and challenges. In relationships generally deemed necessary, one must consider options before moving on, not after. Leaving one relationship, often means leaving, or at least diminishing others. For example, if you quit a job, you will likely find it difficult to maintain active relationships with most if not all of your former co-workers. Another thing to consider, is that, in some cases, leaving a relationship carries certain legal and/or financial ramifications. Once one makes the decision to leave a relationship, one should generally try to leave on the best possible terms, but realize that there is little to be gained by making major concessions at this stage, other than those needed to actually exit the relationship. You may need to gnaw one paw off to get out of the trap. Don't gnaw off a second, just to make the trap feel better.

We all face choices. Even when we feel we have no choice, there are options before us. The challenge, really, is to evaluate honestly one's own situation, and the risks, costs, and benefits of the available options. Once that's done, the only thing left to do is to act.